How To Develop Intimacy

April 6 '19 PM - facebook.jpg


Consider that love is nourished by beauty, mystery, and pleasure.

Beauty, mystery, and pleasure are impermanent. Illusive. Ever-changing. Yet, there is great security in knowing it’s all constantly changing.  

Now, that may sound like an oxymoron, but you can count on ever-changing as a constant, and never get bored or tired, which would cause you to switch from high consciousness to auto-pilot low consciousness.

Within that constant, is a thrilling joy ride. But of course, it’s not for the faint of heart.

Many people are starved for intimacy. They are starved for true intimacy. True connection. Not some movie version of romance and love, which looks good on the outside yet feels hollow on the inside.  

I see and hear from so many people who are scratching their heads and finding out they have no idea how to activate, create, or attract more intimacy into their lives. They don’t even know where to start and yet they are deeply craving it - deeply craving being seen.

Intimacy means continually removing barriers.

Love inevitably brings about intimacy, yet I find so many people confuse intimacy with intensity, because of the heightened feelings they both have.  

More often than not, intensity is social and personal drama: a lot of emotion for very little reward.  Huge waves of highs - yes - but don’t forget the lows.

Intimacy is a different kind of wave, more like a ripple actually, rolling out in ever increasing rings. Sometimes you feel you’re at an inner ring and other times you know you’re at an outer ring. It just keeps going as a constant motion. And it always comes from within. It’s you rippling out, not dependant on whether someone likes you today or not, or whether you feel it with them today or not. It’s your wave, your rippling.

If you desire intimacy with another person, you typically go through the stages of casual interactions, gaining momentum by comparing stories and feelings, until your head starts to believe the ideal you are feeling, allowing you to reveal greater desires and greater fears with this person.

You are testing love at this point. Not trusting it. You have found some measure of comfort, hoping that your partner means what they say, and then hoping this feeling will stay the same throughout time.  

All these factors come from a place of weakness - of hoping, with your fingers crossed. You may as well be counting daisy petals.

Love and intimacy aren't just cozy feelings that drop into your lap. They're the result of focus, attention, and the gifting of yourself with your heart and your head fully intact. You’re coming from a place of strength, a point of self-experience of love. It’s what you bring to the table, not what you get from the table.

This kind of approach is not a risk, but it might be a bold shift from how you currently ‘do’ love and intimacy.

Your willingness to take this approach has to be grounded in an inner strength that knows if the other person remains closed, or if that hopefulness you attempted to call trust is betrayed (because you approached it from a point of weakness), you will not suffer any permanent damage.

Instead, you will gain practice in how to best experience love.

You’ve probably grown used to getting love and intimacy from out there: from a partner, pleasure, adventure, compliments. To convince your belief system that you have love within you - that you are the embodiment of love - can sometimes take time. But really, it just takes trust.

I invite you to experience extending the feeling of love and intimacy, the feeling of continually removing your barriers, as though your heart were in front of you, leading. Not your ego or timid personality. I’m talking about extending your confident, rich heart. Not the head. Not the emotions or the judgments. Just the heart: pure and vital. It brings out the empathic qualities.

No words are necessary as you stay open and unguarded. Love and intimacy aren’t found in the words anyway. It’s actually all about you at this stage. It’s all about you pouring out your hearts’ energy, your hearts’ sensations, for no external reason. Loving for the sake of loving, because it feels so damn good. And that love unleashes vital healing energy that circulates throughout your whole being.  

This is intimacy. This is the true connection to the feeling of love.

If you want to have intimacy in your daily, practical life, you can allow this feeling to connect you deeply to this source of love – within you – for that will replenish it. You can recharge your batteries here too, for the longer you dwell in the three-dimensional earth plane as a human, the longer you are forgetting your true source of love.

Developing your own intimacy is safe for those who still have some reservations about man-made love too. Or for those who are nursing a bruised, broken, or wounded heart.

You can dip into the pool of love from the universal energy force that connects life to everything. It’s the most honest purpose of meditation too, whether you are sitting silently and breathing in the sensations, or walking through the woods feeling the communion with nature. If you stay open to sharing this intimacy, you will come away full, rich, and expanded.

Once you have reached this beautiful state of intimacy, you must own it. This is very important in the process. You must claim it as the love that is activated into action within you.  

You may not believe this, but you are a huge vessel of love and intimacy. You are capable of holding a limitless amount of love if we can be linear for a moment.  But the problem is you might not believe this and therefore don’t refill or recharge your love battery often enough, so you become an empty vessel. We feel this as humans all the time.

  • An empty vessel is unable to make an intimate connection to anything.

  • An empty vessel merely craves other things (substitutes for love) that it hopes will fill it up – like sleep, alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, exercise, another person, distraction, gambling…

All these fillers are substitutes for the real thing, love. And the connection to love is intimacy.  Intimacy happens once you claim this love within you and recognize that you have a limitless supply of it. You’re made of the stuff. You don’t need it from anyone else, but you’d love to share it. Then you can let it spill out onto anyone and everyone you meet. Why not?  Shine it around. Be the shining example of love, and let it shine from you.

I often connect to my heart as though it were a dimmer switch and I have the control. I can close my eyes and feel myself turn up the light on the dimmer switch. I can feel it getting brighter and fuller and buzzing loudly with its electrical charge. I can feel it as though it were glowing right through my physical body.

Now you do it. Practice extending your heart out to fill the room. Then bring it back again. In.  Out. Continually. Practice stretching that love vibration big and all around, sometimes to a comfortable foot and a half in all directions, like a cocoon or a body halo. And sometimes stretch it to the moon.  

When you get up and walk around in your day, feel your glowing energy. It’s so attractive. When you’re feeling the electricity buzzing within you, it shows. You’re charismatic.

When you meet others, you can connect this energy with them. Let it do the work, not you.  Let love speak before you ever have to. That’s how you can get your intimacy needs met. And that’s how you develop intimacy.

Jonni Gray